Once I left Georgia, it was time for the most intimidating destination of the trip: Turkmenistan.
I will confess that my desire to see Turkmenistan was based almost entirely on my ignorance of it. Like... who goes to Turkmenistan? I saw this rhetorical question as a major reason to go there, but most others I talked to about it (especially in nearby Azerbaijan) would utter it in an incredulous tone that did not leave room for positive, adventurous interpretation.
Many people seem to share this reluctance: Turkmenistan (can we call it T-stan from now on?) is the 7th least visited country in the world with about 7,000 annual visitors. For context, North Korea does not even make the list of the 25 least visited places. The least visited place on earth is Nauru in Micronesia, a country with an area of 21km (who wants to go?!). France is the most visited with... can you guess?
85 million tourists every year!
[Sources for travel stats here]
So obviously you want to go to T-stan now, right? Well, the first issue is planning the trip. Air travel to the capital (Ashgabat) is not very popular (see travel stats above), and only a handful of airlines go there at all. When they do, it's at very random times. For example, traveling from Tbilisi to Ashgabat required a circuitous detour via Turkey on Turkish airlines, resulting in an arrival at Ashgabat at 2am. There are also options to see T-stan by land, essentially retracing the silk road. Sadly I did not have time for such an excursion, but you might!
Americans traveling to T-stan are required to have a Letter of Invitation from a tour company. I went with Turkmen Travel, which I would describe as "technically gets the job done but nothing to worship," as I'll explain throughout this post. They sent my LOI as a picture of the document rather than the original document, which several airport personnel weren't too pleased with, but it worked. When I arrived at the airport at 2am, I had to take that letter to a counter that said "Visa" which had a long line. The person at that counter takes your passport (warning for people who become anxious when separated from their passports) and gives you a little visa bill ($85 USD, must be paid in American cash (?!)). Rather than paying then and there, which would make sense, you take the bill to another counter with another line, and magically when you arrive and present the bill you are now expected to pay $96 USD even though the bill clearly states less. The people in front of me who complained about this were dismissed with a curt "It's a registration fee." I didn't bother complaining because a) I rarely indulge in confrontation at 2am and b) others' complaints were not successful. What are you going to do, refuse? Anyway, the first tip is to bring plenty of American cash.
Turkmen Travel was great because it was a one-stop shop. I got my paperwork, hotel, tours, and (most crucially) a pre-arranged ride from and to the airport all with the same reservation. My 3 day/3 night booking included everything except lunch and dinner for $685 (paid in cash the next day at the hotel, I guess I had the first night on an honor code basis). Gulp! It seemed pretty hefty at the time but when you realize the amount of effort that goes into it, it semi makes sense. For example, the drive to the Darvaza crater was 4 hours each way, which if you think of it as an Uber ride accounts for about half the cost in and of itself. It was also awesome not to have to deal with getting a taxi at, after the visa shenanignas, 3 am.
Before we get into more details, I have one extremely important piece of advice. DO NOT VISIT T-STAN IN JULY. I didn't really have a choice, since this is when my friend was going home to see family (see Azerbaijan post) and I had time between teaching and taking summer classes in Boston.
But July is the hottest month and, go figure, not a good time to go into the Karakum desert. I realize there is a heat wave throughout the entire world right now, but here you pretty much have to be inside from 8:30am (when temps are already in the 100s) to 7:30pm (a little before sunset). I obviously didn't do this since I had a lot to see in very little time, but my body is still not happy about it. Especially since, like Egypt and Jordan, this is a rather conservative country and dressing in clothing that shows any arm or leg will result in weird looks and unwanted attention.
I had booked a tour that included Nisa, Ashgabat, and the Karakum desert. I had what can only be called a nap (4am bedtime, 8am breakfast) and then my guide and driver for the day met me at my hotel. Before I even got in the car, my guide warned me that taking pictures in certain places, even from the car, was forbidden and could result in a police officer taking my phone. It turns out that this is much more feasible than I initially thought. As soon as we started driving, officers would constantly either direct us onward or wave us to the side of the road for a random "show us your papers" check. Our car got checked twice in 2 hours. The driver nonchalantly handed 2 laminated documents to the officer each time this happened, and after a few minutes we were back on our way. My guide told me it was extremely common and not even an inconvenience for Turkmen people to do this several times a day.
So you're not allowed to take pictures of any government buildings. This is rough because almost every building in the city of Ashgabat seems to be a ministry or government office of some sort. The buildings are all made of white marble with gold accents.
Our first destination was Nisa, where you can see the ruins of an ancient settlement, supposedly built around 200 BC. My guide gave me lots of details and facts about this place, but unfortunately I was a sub-par audience.
Guide: "And here in this room were discovered remnants that lead us to believe that there were once statues carved into the wall, a symbol of importance for then king Arsaces..."
Me:
On the way, there are 2 more craters. These are definitely the "opening act" craters, and maintenance on them is not exactly up to code.
I will confess that my desire to see Turkmenistan was based almost entirely on my ignorance of it. Like... who goes to Turkmenistan? I saw this rhetorical question as a major reason to go there, but most others I talked to about it (especially in nearby Azerbaijan) would utter it in an incredulous tone that did not leave room for positive, adventurous interpretation.
Many people seem to share this reluctance: Turkmenistan (can we call it T-stan from now on?) is the 7th least visited country in the world with about 7,000 annual visitors. For context, North Korea does not even make the list of the 25 least visited places. The least visited place on earth is Nauru in Micronesia, a country with an area of 21km (who wants to go?!). France is the most visited with... can you guess?
85 million tourists every year!
[Sources for travel stats here]
So obviously you want to go to T-stan now, right? Well, the first issue is planning the trip. Air travel to the capital (Ashgabat) is not very popular (see travel stats above), and only a handful of airlines go there at all. When they do, it's at very random times. For example, traveling from Tbilisi to Ashgabat required a circuitous detour via Turkey on Turkish airlines, resulting in an arrival at Ashgabat at 2am. There are also options to see T-stan by land, essentially retracing the silk road. Sadly I did not have time for such an excursion, but you might!
Americans traveling to T-stan are required to have a Letter of Invitation from a tour company. I went with Turkmen Travel, which I would describe as "technically gets the job done but nothing to worship," as I'll explain throughout this post. They sent my LOI as a picture of the document rather than the original document, which several airport personnel weren't too pleased with, but it worked. When I arrived at the airport at 2am, I had to take that letter to a counter that said "Visa" which had a long line. The person at that counter takes your passport (warning for people who become anxious when separated from their passports) and gives you a little visa bill ($85 USD, must be paid in American cash (?!)). Rather than paying then and there, which would make sense, you take the bill to another counter with another line, and magically when you arrive and present the bill you are now expected to pay $96 USD even though the bill clearly states less. The people in front of me who complained about this were dismissed with a curt "It's a registration fee." I didn't bother complaining because a) I rarely indulge in confrontation at 2am and b) others' complaints were not successful. What are you going to do, refuse? Anyway, the first tip is to bring plenty of American cash.
Turkmen Travel was great because it was a one-stop shop. I got my paperwork, hotel, tours, and (most crucially) a pre-arranged ride from and to the airport all with the same reservation. My 3 day/3 night booking included everything except lunch and dinner for $685 (paid in cash the next day at the hotel, I guess I had the first night on an honor code basis). Gulp! It seemed pretty hefty at the time but when you realize the amount of effort that goes into it, it semi makes sense. For example, the drive to the Darvaza crater was 4 hours each way, which if you think of it as an Uber ride accounts for about half the cost in and of itself. It was also awesome not to have to deal with getting a taxi at, after the visa shenanignas, 3 am.
Before we get into more details, I have one extremely important piece of advice. DO NOT VISIT T-STAN IN JULY. I didn't really have a choice, since this is when my friend was going home to see family (see Azerbaijan post) and I had time between teaching and taking summer classes in Boston.
But July is the hottest month and, go figure, not a good time to go into the Karakum desert. I realize there is a heat wave throughout the entire world right now, but here you pretty much have to be inside from 8:30am (when temps are already in the 100s) to 7:30pm (a little before sunset). I obviously didn't do this since I had a lot to see in very little time, but my body is still not happy about it. Especially since, like Egypt and Jordan, this is a rather conservative country and dressing in clothing that shows any arm or leg will result in weird looks and unwanted attention.
 |
| Very typical "casual" Turkmen lady outfit. These hats seemed ornate to me but they were definitely very common. I did not make a great impression in my flowy top and linen pants, but on the plus side I didn't die of heat stroke. |
I had booked a tour that included Nisa, Ashgabat, and the Karakum desert. I had what can only be called a nap (4am bedtime, 8am breakfast) and then my guide and driver for the day met me at my hotel. Before I even got in the car, my guide warned me that taking pictures in certain places, even from the car, was forbidden and could result in a police officer taking my phone. It turns out that this is much more feasible than I initially thought. As soon as we started driving, officers would constantly either direct us onward or wave us to the side of the road for a random "show us your papers" check. Our car got checked twice in 2 hours. The driver nonchalantly handed 2 laminated documents to the officer each time this happened, and after a few minutes we were back on our way. My guide told me it was extremely common and not even an inconvenience for Turkmen people to do this several times a day.
So you're not allowed to take pictures of any government buildings. This is rough because almost every building in the city of Ashgabat seems to be a ministry or government office of some sort. The buildings are all made of white marble with gold accents.
 |
| Government buildings in the distance. Don't worry, I took this from the safety of my hotel room. |
Guide: "And here in this room were discovered remnants that lead us to believe that there were once statues carved into the wall, a symbol of importance for then king Arsaces..."
Me:
Nisa is really neat though. Do make sure to wear a hat because there are no ceilings and very little shade. Another tip for that location would be to look out for the hundreds of wasps that have made a home in the precious UNESCO-recognized mud walls.
 |
| The Nisa settlement as seen from the entry point. |
Monuments
After Nisa, we drove around (in the mercifully air-conditioned car) to see the various monuments in Ashgabat. This site breaks them down for you, so I'll just give you my impressions.
The "president" (/dictator) and former president have many monuments in their honor. Niyasov, the former president, wrote a book entitled Ruhnama. Since he was a dictator very influential, the book is required reading in all Turkmen schools (kindergarten to university). You must cite passages of it verbatim without error in order to obtain a driver's license. In addition to many monuments to the author, there is also a monument to the book itself.
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| According to Wikipedia: Each evening at 8:00 pm, the cover opens and a recording of a passage from the book is played with accompanying video. Here's an inexplicably head-banging excerpt from a documentary with footage of it. |
That's nice, but we can all agree it's not quite enough recognition for the book. But what else could you possibly do? Niyasov was ready with the answer. He officially changed the name of the month of September to "Ruhnama." Because he finished writing the book in September. Obviously! Publishers, are you writing this down? Also, henceforth, the month of May will be referred to as "Las Pastillas de Oro."
Very few in, no one out
We know that not many people visit T-stan. Sadly, the other side of that coin is that very very few citizens are allowed out of the country. My guide (name withheld just in case) told me about how, when he was studying languages and tourism, he earned a spot in a study abroad program in Germany. He completed his visa requirements, bought his ticket, and had his family come with him to the airport to see him off. He got as far as the border patrol before he was told that he was not allowed to leave the country. As someone who studied tourism, he "knew too much" about T-stan. He simply turned around and went back home. The only country to which Turkmen citizens can freely travel is Turkey.
That reminds me, a quick demonym lesson: People from T-stan are Turkmen, people from Turkey are Turkish. And demonym is a greek amalgamation of "demo" (people) and "nym" (name) → the name of the people (from a certain place). Lesson over, good job!
The food
Not so vegetarian friendly. I had lots of lentil soup and bread. I ordered a beet salad once and got a heaping plate of shredded beets, which was hilarious and a little bit gross.
The craters
Ranked as the number 1 thing to see in Turkmenistan, the craters are Kind of a Big Deal. I was pumped because I had read several blogs of people visiting the craters and getting these epic pictures. The biggest-deal crater is known as the Doorway to Hell and the guide/driver (a different one from my guide the day before) gamely drove me the 4 hours out into the Karakum desert to see it. We brought sufficient supplies:
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| Frozen water bottles were a necessity. |
We finally arrived at the Doorway to Hell crater, and it's extremely cool. To see. It's extremely not cool to stand next to in a desert that was already 110 degrees before you stood next to a massive flaming pit of fire.
There were only a handful of other tourists there; all of them were camping for (at least) the night in the nearby yurts, which made me jealous.
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| "People are going to want to see these yurts," I thought to myself. |
However, there was a major bummer. There was now a guard rail! And it was sufficiently maintained! So sad. My guide said they put it up last month, probably because it's dangerous to let people get right up to the edge of an enormous flaming fire pit. But still!
This was clearly the spot for a handstand picture, but the guardrail was not very photogenic.
There was only one option.
It was time to cross my fingers and hope that no state police were lurking around, and hop it.
My driver was doing his best to take the handstand pic, but he was so nervous about me being over the guardrail that he kept struggling with it. At that point a charming Italian guy walked up and showed me the screen of his fancy camera: it was my handstand!
So, how did it turn out? I don't know yet, he was camping out there with no digital connectivity and said he could email it to me "sometime in August." I was also so hot that I might have given him an incorrect email address. I'll put it on my instagram if/when it comes through!
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| Scraping away the rubble in preparation for possibly the most badass handstand pic yet; also apparently doing a Michael Jackson impression. |
In case you're still wondering why there are no other tourists in the pics from this part of the trip: practically no one else was there! At the mosque where I took the handstand pic, there was one other tourist who was inside at the time. That's the upside of visiting one of the least popular visited places on earth đŸ˜‰
Books for this part of the trip:
Small great things, Jodi Picoult. Amazing plot and writing style, horrific subject matter.
